T.I.A.

“Sometimes I wonder, will God ever forgive us for we have done to each other? But then I look around and I realize, God left this place a long time ago”. 200 000 child soldiers. A life for a stone. Civil war for years. This is Africa. I saw it for the 7^th time last night. I teared for the 7^thtime. How do I go to bed every night with the promise of a beautiful day ahead? How do I go about my life knowing people are losing theirs? I have never seen any film that has left me feeling so helpless. I don’t understand why it means so much to me. Why it hurts every time I watch it. Why I watch it again.

I talk about changing the world. That’s it. I talk. Children die of starvation. I shed a tear. Then pass the newspaper to someone else. Massacres happen all over. I scream outrage. Until the next commercial comes. Life moves on in an instant. She said, “people back home wouldn’t buy a ring if they knew it cost someone their hand”. Did the diamond rates fall? It’s pointed out in the film that we are led to believe that diamonds are rare. But who are we kidding? What has changed? Did we even flinch? All we manage is a sigh, and say ‘what is the world coming to?’

You know that something has hit you when the credits have been rolling for the last 10 minutes and you haven’t even flinched. You continue to stare at the screen, even you if you’re not looking. The last two hours flash before your eyes in bits and pieces. You just want to get on a rooftop and scream. And cry. And scream again. Sorry. I keep forgetting that this is supposed to be about me. I generalize too much. It’s almost like I want to hurt in order to feel happy. I caught myself doing it again. Grabbing the skin on my chest that covers my heart, almost as if I was trying to tear it off. It’s been more than a few times. Life just gives me these moments to feel alive.

Look at the photograph. Now look closer. In this scene, he is standing in front of a standing ovation that’s waiting to hear him speak for the world, for the voice of those suffering from the chaos and bloodshed. What do his eyes say? What are they trying to tell us? They look like they have been crying for generations. So much that the trail of the tears on the cheeks has just become natural. Just another facial feature. Believe it or not, he was not tearing in this scene. I noticed this when I saw the film for the third time. I couldn’t digest it. I just couldn’t.

“My heart tells me that people are inherently good. My experience suggests otherwise. What about you Mr Archer? In your long career as a, journalist, would you say that people are mostly good?”

“No. I’d say they’re just people”.

And the world dies one life at a time

Any Given Sunday - Peace by Inches - Pacino

The video i promised in my first post

The 9th Day Of The 2nd Month

To Mataji, Pitaji, and Harkiren

Date: 09/02/07

Time: 13:30

Setting: 2 hours before takeoff

Message: I love you

9^th February 2007. 4 students performing navigation exercise number 10. Langkawi to Penang to Alor Setar to Langkawi. Eddie, Izwan, Azlan, and Hargobind, in take off sequence. Just another day in flying school.

Izwan and mE in Nando's

From Vicky

Date: 09/02/07

Time: 15:08

Setting: During stop-over in Penang

Message: Dey don 4get my Nando’s order man! I’ll kill you if you come back without the chicken :)

9^th February 2007. Hanging out in Nando’s in the Penang Airport. Called Eunice to see if she was in town. Ordered take aways for the guys back on campus. Just another day in a flight to Penang.

The last photograph of Azlan before the crash

From Lavan

Date: 09/02/07

Time: 18:49

Setting: After landing in Alor Setar

Message: Dude, first of all, thanks for not giving me your sortie. U ok or not? Pick up the damn fon la!

From Murali

Date: 09/02/07

Time: 18:55

Setting: After landing in Alor Setar

Message: Harry, murali here. My aunt will pick you up from alor setar airport at 8pm. Just sit tight k?

9^th February 2007. Azlan encounters an engine failure. Crashes in the water south of Aman Island, 5 minutes from Penang. Eddie and Izwan make it back to Langkawi safely. I am ordered to make a full stop landing at Alor Setar Airport and spend the night in town. The beginning of a new type of day.

From Mataji

Date: 09/02/07

Time: 20:21

Setting: At Murali’s aunt’s home

Message: Thank God you are safe. What have they planned for you now?

From Mataji

Date: 09/02/07

Time: 21:54

Setting: At Murali’s aunt’s home

Message: Ok then good nite. God bless you. We love you dear

9^th February 2007. Having dinner with Auntie Krishna and family. Dressed in clothes not belonging to me. Sleeping in a bed new to me. My first time in Alor Setar. Azlan is saved by local fisherman uninjured. Placed in Penang Hospital for monitoring. Quite the irregular day.

The guest room in Aunty Krishna's home where i spent the night. Lovely family.

From Manipalian (Manmeet)

Date: 10/02/07

Time: 21:17

Setting: One day later, back in Langkawi

Message: Hi hargobind,how r u?=) heard abt d ’adventurous flight yday, glad evrythng ok=] me currently tied dwn wth sportsday;>tc, huggies! Satnam –manipalian Manmeet

10^th February 2007. Aircraft is recovered from the sea. The full story repeated by me to the students on campus over and over again. All aircraft are grounded for a week for inspection. Life goes on.

From Coach Sukhbir

Date: 12/02/07

Time: 00:07

Setting: 3 days later

Message: Dear hargobind, heard abt ur friend’s accident, so glad u r fine and pray for ur friend.. miss u as always. Lots of love. Satnam

9^th February 2007. The first engine failure in our flying school history. The first crash I have had first hand knowledge about. My first stay with an Indian family, and they made me feel like family. You know what they say. There’s a first time for everything.

Messages were also received from Paven Singh, Ajit Kaur from Subang, and others that were unfortunately deleted due to storage limitations before I got this idea of typing them all out. My many thanks to all of you who took the trouble to send me your messages. It was an eye opener to see how much one person’s life matters to those around him. And I was not even involved in the crash! I will end with the famous words of Roberto Benighi that you have probably seen countless times in my messages to you. ‘Life is Beautiful’. Cheers……….. Written on the 20^th February 2007

No Pennies For These Thoughts. No Penny's Worth That Much

3rd july 2007. sometime at night. a regular phone call for me. one that i get every couple of days. the people that mean the world to me, making sure everything is fine. my health. the food. flying. we talk. the same way you tell someone who knows your schedule how the day went. silences in between. wondering what to say next. finally, all formalities aside, its time to hang up. and then i say it, without the least bit of realization. "goodnight Phenji". goodnight. phenji.

Phenji. a distant word. a regularity as a child, but something happened as i grew up. during the last 10 odd years. it became Harkiren this. Harkiren that. just, Harkiren. sister became a word i used to describe the alien life form living next door. the one that got me into trouble. the one that shared my parentage god knows how. everything seems like a lifetime away.

i went back to my room that night. thinking. realizing. the last memory i have of hugging her and calling her phenji as a child. the day Mataji and i picked her up from school in the Ford van we used to have. the school main gate. a rare occasion. mum always picked us up from the back gate. the one with a proper bus stop. i was sitting in the front row. behind the driver's seat. phenji comes in, and yells that she got 4 A's for UPSR. the day the results came out. Mataji reaches back from the front and hugs her. breaking apart, i remember her exact words. "aren't you going to hug your sister?". i do. along with a 'congratulations Phenji'. a forced hug. influenced by a 3rd person. a term i used at my parents request. that was my last memory. it hurt. to think that's all i had to offer as a 'brother'.

i tried saying it again the other day. during the next phone conversation. it never came. not a peep. that part of the sentence muted. like the word "morphin'" from the Power Rangers theme in our early days as kids for its resemblance to the drug. medical or not. so much for being easier the second time around. you know when its hard to say, that it means something. otherwise, it becomes just another word. that's all. a means of communication. no. not anymore. everything changes. from this moment on. i will prove my worth as a younger sibling. an idiot next door. a brother.

i don't care if it makes a difference for her. it may all sound the same. but i see Pitaji calling his sister's 'Peyna'. and i see that look in his eyes. and i think, that makes all the difference.

A HitchHiker's Guide To The Prestige

4 seconds is a lifetime. the words of al pacino in the movie 'any given sunday'. the movie that has one of the most inspiring speeches of all time. i will past the video on my blog to show you the strength in his words, despite his age. i never thought i would ever start a blog. i honestly didn't. i in my time have viewed too many blogs that are more the day to day accounts of non-existent lives. my believe was always that when you share with the world, share with it an experience. share with it, your love. share with it, that moment. the one that mattered. the one that made, all the difference.

that is what i intend to share with all that i have come to know and love over my lifetime. the things i discovered about myself. the times when life tore me apart. the times i put it back togather again. my love for my Guru. my passion for rock music, for what it has to say to me. my parents, for the role they played in my life. for saving it, one day at a time. my sister, whom i have come to greatly admire and miss. my cousins, whom i shall never let go. ever. my friends, without whom life's pleasures would cease to exist. my teachers, from all walks of life. this is my moment. this is what matters. and thus, does my story begin. with the first post.